This time of year is the season when the food
police come out
with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the
holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without
finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings,
high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable
sticks, they say. Good grief! Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas
a carrot stick? I didn't think so. It isn't mine, either. A carrot was something
you left for Rudolph.
I have my own list of tips for holiday eating.
I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what
if you don't make it to New Year's? Your clothes won't fit anymore,
anyway!
1. About
those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving
rum balls.
2. Drink as much
eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch,
it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.
You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?? It's not
as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later
than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something
comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy
does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed
potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole
milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have
a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances
should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that
in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time
for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.
7. If you come across something
really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape
and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many
as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful
pair of shoes - you can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them
again.
8. Same for pies?
Apple? Pumpkin? Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't
like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?? Labor
Day?
9. Did someone
mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory
calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards!
10. And one final
tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get
up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around
the corner!!!
